Wednesday, October 17, 2007

How Our Pilot Got Lost

Kingfisher Airlines has this very nifty device installed on the back of every seat. It provides entertainment and information to its passengers, stuff like outside temperature, speed of travel, altitude, ETA, and, a real time map of the route we have traveled.

Sometimes, (like it did yesterday), it backfires.
Here is the most indirect route a plane must have ever taken.
Common sense indicates you fly in a straight line from point A to point B.
Rising Airline fuel prices would make you do the same.
Air Traffic Control makes sure you don't deviate too much from your flight plan.

Our pilot had other plans.

Check out the route we took coming in to Mumbai.

and I thought I was bad at directions!!


Jab My Ears Didn't Pop

So I went on this little business trip to Delhi... flew there and had a cold. A reasonably bad cold, but nothing to worry about, right??

I was very violently introduced to this thing called air pressure (or the lack of it), which started to make itself apparent at about 4600 mts above sea level. INSIDE MY HEAD.
There was just this balloon of air developing between my ears, and it was painful as hell... The most anokha pain I have experienced ever... EXCRUCIATING, anokha pain.

Let me point out at this juncture that this was an airbus... not the kind of bus you can ask to pull over, stop, or slow down, or anything. I was locked in, committed to 45 minutes of descent-induced pain. (evidently my head is more vulnerable to implosion rather than explosion, given the air pressure in my head was lower than outside and my 'cold situation' was preventing the equalisation of the said pressure).

ergo, Please, take it from me, firsthand.
(and no, earbuds, earmuffs do not help)

*at the time of going to screen, the air pressure in the writer's head, and, consequently the hearing had only been restored to 75%

Saturday, October 13, 2007

Saturday, October 6, 2007

Post Production Humor

The output of a particularly productive Saturday afternoon...


1) I tried to read your mind, but it was running at 2 fps (*1).
2) You're so thick, you can be classified as HD (*2).
3) What do you call a horny telecine machine? (De)Spirit 4K
4) He used to pleasure himself so much, they made him a shake (*3) artist.
5) He was so dark, our Lustre (*4)broke.
6) Yo Mamma's so fat, we had to change the aspect ratio.
7) Yo' Mamma's so fat, I had to photograph her in landscape mode.
8) Yo' Mamma's so fat, we made her wear green and used her as the chroma (*5) screen.
9) Yo' Mamma's so fat, she couldn't fit on our SAN (*6).
10) Yo' Mamma's so fat, we had to scan her in 8K (*7).


For the uninitiated...
1) fps = frames per second. The normal speed is 24/25 fps depending on the medium.
2) HD = High Density
3) Shake = software/hardware combination to used to add visual effects to a scene.
4) Lustre = grading system used for colour correction.
5) croma = green screen used for vfx shots.
6) SAN = high capacity (some terabytes) hard disks typically used in data intensive workflows.
7) 8K = highest scanning resolution possible today, uses the highest amount of disk space per frame.

Thursday, October 4, 2007

10 Reasons I Can't be Jason Bourne

1) They won't give me so many Visa's.
2) I don't know how to hotwire a car.
3) I can't ride a scooter that well... i'd simply fall off a high speed chase.
4) I can't find the quickest way out of Bandra, let alone NY, Madrid, or Morocco.
5) I don't know any secrets which may cause people to hurt me... Even if i DID know any, i'd forget them in a hurry.
6) I can't keep fighting once my nose is broken.
7) My nose can't mend itself.
8) I can't really walk incognito anwhere... (the Mathur clan has spread so far and wide, wouldn't be surprised if during an on foot chase sequence some kid yells "arre yeh toh Varun bhaiyya thhe.")
9) Mum wouldn't let me forget who I am (Thank God for that)
10) My online footprint is Waaay to large.

Wednesday, October 3, 2007

Every once in a while, in the course of your work, one comes across something amazing, brilliant and simply awesome.
Luckily, my course of work brings things that are a little more interesting, and pertinent to most people (given that I'm a part of the "entertainment" business)
Either ways, this is one of those bits that make the work all worth it.

"Hum chal rahe hain judaa judaa... par caravan toh ek hai"